who to trust in your marriage

One of the thickest relationship books that I've (mostly) read is The Science of Trust by John Gottman.  For sure, deeply trusting another person is a complicated endeavor when we come to consider it, instead of simply doing it automatically and taking it for granted.  In an intimate partnership, often what we've taken to be automatic can come to be questioned.  And over time, many of us face our own deliberations regarding the quality and quantity of trust present in our relationships.  What do I trust you to do or not do?  How much do I trust it?  And, perhaps most importantly, does my trust even matter?  

I have come to believe that what matters most in relationship is, perhaps surprisingly, trusting oneself.  David Richo, author of How to Be an Adult,  states it well: I trust myself with whatever you do.   This means, I trust myself to be able to respond appropriately.  If my partner acts out in ways that I cannot forgive or tolerate, I trust myself to speak up for myself and/or leave the relationship.  It means I trust myself to be able to hold boundaries and lower boundaries, to be flexible and contained, to get myself whatever help I need to be good to both of us.   I trust myself to handle the awkwardness of intimacy, to take the risks of vulnerability.  This aim -- to grown oneself and then to trust oneself to show up appropriately -- seems self-focused and from a mindset of individualism, yet it is exactly how to be healthy enough to participate fully and sustainably in a secure functioning relationship.  It is not based in a trust that seeks to control another person's behavior, but instead in a deeply rooted self-confidence. 

In this way, the oars of individual and relationship therapy can row in the same direction, towards a version of oneself that is nuanced, realistic, yielding, humble and grounded in self-faith & self-love.  It goes something like: I love myself enough to give myself a long-term (lifelong?) fulfilling relationship, and so I treat us both well, I show up for you, and if you do not show up for me, I trust that I can respond well enough.  I trust myself with whatever you do.