<![CDATA[McNamara Therapy - Blog]]>Tue, 27 Aug 2024 02:24:37 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[What is spiritual?]]>Sat, 13 Jul 2024 19:07:04 GMThttp://mcnamaratherapy.com/blog/what-is-spiritualI've heard a few different definitions of "spiritual".  One use of the word is to identify material in the realm of mystery that is not religious, making it distinct from any religion.  Another use of the word denotes anything that's meaningful to a person, that has special inner meaning.  Sometimes people mix up the term "spiritual" with "belief in God," which can get messy! (What God is or could be varies so drastically depending on a person's reality. )  The word itself though, "spiritual," is evidently of-the-spirit.  What is the spirit, then?  Is it the part of us that is alive & invisible?  The energy that runs through us? The energy that runs through plants, the ocean, stars, and fire?  I often use the word "spiritual" to refer to a deep place within.  The place where there's hope or meaning made of chaos & hardship, beauty & love.  The place inside each one of us that makes us simultaneously uniquely ourselves + a mirror of one another + unified and undifferentiated.  

The observable universe is 50 billion times greater than our solar system.  The observable part, that is.  50 billion times greater than our massive solar system.  Too large to comprehend.

And yet, within me - one unobservably small person in a scope that could observe my city, let alone our solar system or the Universe! - within me,  a whole world of emotions/thoughts/ideas/feelings/dreams exists.  And so it is in you, and you, and you. . . a whole world within each of us.  Perhaps that is spiritual. 

 “You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop.” -- Rumi
]]><![CDATA[who to trust in your marriage]]>Tue, 14 Mar 2023 20:29:40 GMThttp://mcnamaratherapy.com/blog/who-to-trust-in-your-marriageOne of the thickest relationship books that I've (mostly) read is The Science of Trust by John Gottman.  For sure, deeply trusting another person is a complicated endeavor when we come to consider it, instead of simply doing it automatically and taking it for granted.  In an intimate partnership, often what we've taken to be automatic can come to be questioned.  And over time, many of us face our own deliberations regarding the quality and quantity of trust present in our relationships.  What do I trust you to do or not do?  How much do I trust it?  And, perhaps most importantly, does my trust even matter?  

I have come to believe that what matters most in relationship is, perhaps surprisingly, trusting oneself.  David Richo, author of How to Be an Adult,  states it well: I trust myself with whatever you do.   This means, I trust myself to be able to respond appropriately.  If my partner acts out in ways that I cannot forgive or tolerate, I trust myself to speak up for myself and/or leave the relationship.  It means I trust myself to be able to hold boundaries and lower boundaries, to be flexible and contained, to get myself whatever help I need to be good to both of us.   I trust myself to handle the awkwardness of intimacy, to take the risks of vulnerability.  This aim -- to grown oneself and then to trust oneself to show up appropriately -- seems self-focused and from a mindset of individualism, yet it is exactly how to be healthy enough to participate fully and sustainably in a secure functioning relationship.  It is not based in a trust that seeks to control another person's behavior, but instead in a deeply rooted self-confidence. 

In this way, the oars of individual and relationship therapy can row in the same direction, towards a version of oneself that is nuanced, realistic, yielding, humble and grounded in self-faith & self-love.  It goes something like: I love myself enough to give myself a long-term (lifelong?) fulfilling relationship, and so I treat us both well, I show up for you, and if you do not show up for me, I trust that I can respond well enough.  I trust myself with whatever you do. 


]]><![CDATA[marriage . . .are we close enough? What to expect.]]>Sat, 23 Jan 2021 17:49:24 GMThttp://mcnamaratherapy.com/blog/marriage-are-we-close-enough-what-to-expectAll couples manage distance and pace.  That means couples, either explicitly or not, answer questions of how close is comfortably close and at what speed do we get there. 

Questions like: How close do we want to be, both physically and emotionally? Do you want more physical closeness than I do?  Do I like you physically near but not as emotionally close as you’d like? What does that even mean?! It can seem complicated and unsettling to confront these, especially since relationships initially don’t seem to need this sort of negotiation, in the early stage. 

So what is “a healthy distance and pace?”

In the field of relationship therapy, experts lean in slightly different directions.  Stan Tatkin’s PACT leans towards couples tending to each other, maintaining a physical and emotional closeness, a couple bubble, that sometimes seeks to heal each other’s relational, childhood wounding.  The Gottman Institute offers a framework for maintaining closeness that keeps partners from straying too far from one another but allows the couple themselves to discern their distance within that basic framework.  Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy suggests that cherishing each other is foundational and essential, but we are tasked individually to tend to our own emotional childhood wounding. 

Still, these therapies all build upon the notion that relationships require each person to individually grow.  Our unique psyches may have chosen our own special teacher for a curriculum tailored to our individual areas of growth and healing, and/or it may simply be that the basic inherent lessons of coupling are in front of us, begging us to consider questions about closeness and pace, while stretching to learn the answers. 

]]><![CDATA[boundaries in . . . Then out of psychotherapy]]>Mon, 03 Aug 2020 20:49:01 GMThttp://mcnamaratherapy.com/blog/boundaries-in-and-out-of-psychotherapyPsychotherapy is done within limits -- there's a fee and a session length, for example.  These boundaries work to protect and sustain the relationship right from the beginning.  It can seem strange that business-type policies set a framework for a relationship that can sometimes feel deeply personal.  But by bringing the two together, the businesslike boundaries with the open emotional space, a sacred healing place can emerge.  The meeting happens on a sturdy foundation; both people in the room are cared for. The therapist provides a service by listening and focusing on the client, holding space for all parts of them, and by supporting growth over time.   And in this relationship, the client can receive all of that care because they've done their part and they know it -- the boundaries are stated and agreed to up front.  It's a unique relationship that models making boundaries explicit so the people in the relationship can choose to contract with each other, or not.  In our lives, clear boundaries can seem unkind in the short term ("no, you can't stay on my couch") or frustrating ("why can't I stay on your couch?!"), but appropriate boundaries actually do the work of protecting our relationships so they can last over time.   ]]><![CDATA[What do the initials mean?]]>Mon, 26 Dec 2016 21:12:03 GMThttp://mcnamaratherapy.com/blog/what-do-the-initials-meanPicture
     I'm an LPC, a Licensed Professional Counselor.  This means I'm licensed to  work as a counselor, who counsels (listens and offers direction) in a skillful, professional way.  It also means that I can call myself a psychotherapist, a clinician who works within the psyche -- a mental health therapist, who, like a physical therapist or massage therapist, offers relief by helping to move and strengthen various parts.  Instead of working with muscles and tissue, for example, I work with thoughts and emotions.  
     I'm also a LMFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  This means I'm licensed to work with close relationships; I have extensive specific training in building and maintaining healthy relational skills.  In this realm I still work with thoughts and emotions, but additionally with safely communicating them.  Being an LMFT also means I can call myself a psychotherapist.  Another common set of initials for a psychotherapist is LCSW, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.  LCSW's are especially trained to connect people with resources in community. 

Update: In 2024, I also became licensed in California as a LPCC, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor.  Texas (LPC) and California (LPCC) have slightly different approaches to Counseling, wherein Texas allows the license to include pastoral and career counseling, while California focuses on clinical work.  
]]><![CDATA[September 24th, 2015]]>Fri, 25 Sep 2015 01:49:14 GMThttp://mcnamaratherapy.com/blog/sometimes-television-or-a-movie-can-distract-us-from-ourselves-in-an-easy-way-it-can-be-mercy-and-sometimes-that-mercy-is-laced-with-another-gift-a-message-that-helps-somehow-amazon-prime-has-a-surprisingly-compelling-series-called-the-rooseve]]>